An Open Letter to My Family

Dear Fam:

Hi. You’re probably tired of hearing from me, and I can’t say I blame you. Even I’m annoyed with me. In any case, I wanted to get myself together and share some thoughts with you. I hope you’ll give me a moment of your time.

You’ve said I have Trump Derangement Syndrome. You’ve said I’m not accepting of differing beliefs. You’ve called me a bully and told me I was “bonkers.” I suppose all of that is fair and, in some ways, true. What you didn’t say — and what I didn’t say but should have — is the truth. I’m not just a victim of TDS. I’m not just dismissive of “alternative facts.” I’m not just a meanie. What I am is sad. Really, really sad.

This has been a tough year, and maybe we can’t remember what our lives looked like before Covid and before Trump. Remember that up until Covid, we were still having cousins’ weekends wherein our reddest and bluest (and neutral) family members got together for three days of craziness. We might also remember sharing funny FB posts about drinking wine and being loud Italians. Or, think back to all of our fun times dancing and singing together at our crazy parties. During all that time, I bet you were conservative and I was liberal, just like we are today. Despite these different political views, we never said a negative word about it because we all tacitly agreed that we have the right to support whatever agenda we want.

So, what happened? What changed since 2016? What made me basically lose my shit?

Obviously, I can only offer my perspective on the matter. I’m sure others will assess the situation differently. So, let the cards fall where they may. The problem (again, for me personally — not speaking for anyone else) started NOT when I realized that most of my family is conservative (I already knew that), but when I realized that my family — my people — don’t see a difference between conservatism and Trumpism.

I can’t lie; I’m not a fan of either one obviously. That said, one of these two is an ideology based in reason. It is a philosophy that I understand and can debate rationally because, at the very least, there is a foundation of truth on which we agree. That foundation provides a solid jumping off point for all further discussion on both sides. As an example, conservatives and I would likely agree that a peaceful transfer of power is critical to a functioning, free, and democratic society. Similarly, conservatives and I would likely agree that while free speech is a guaranteed right that we’d die to protect, it’s not a good look for folks to show up to a public square with tiki torches, swastikas, and confederate flags chanting “Jews will not replace us!” I can attest that conservative writer Bill Kristol is with me on this. My point is that there used to be some shared space — shared truth — upon which both sides agreed, and the dialogue/debate continued from there. We have lost these basic principles over the past four years because of unregulated social media that doesn’t flag or remove false information and because of Donald Trump and his band of merry liars, grifters, and criminals.

True conservatism isn’t filled with conspiracies, fringe groups, manufactured news, and international ploys with Russian oligarchs. Conservatism supports police but is not the Gestapo. Conservatism isn’t really inclusive, but it knows when to shut the fuck up. Even George W. Bush had the decency to condemn racist attacks against Muslims after 9/11, and “radical” Mitt Romney marched with Black Lives Matter folks to protest police violence. Do I think either one of these men would actually lift a finger to help communities of color? No, I do not. But, at the very least, they engage in civil behavior so as not to deepen the divides that already exist, and they do not go out of their way to increase tensions and hostility. And, as a protestor myself, I am very concerned by the tyrannical use of force against fellow Americans. Most conservatives I know would never deploy troops against fellow Americans.

Trust and believe: I’m no conservative. I don’t support conservatism as a political philosophy. I’ll never vote for a conservative candidate or support conservative policies. But, at the end of the day, I understand it. However, let’s be honest about two points: First, conservatism has been dying for over a decade now, starting with the rise of the Tea Party and then morphing into Donald J. Trump. Second, Fam, y’all are not really conservatives if you support Trump.

Trumpism is not conservatism. It abides by no moral tenets, codes of decency, or reason. Its governing philosophy is one of extreme executive power, bordering on dictatorship. Under Trumpism, the President is bound by no rules or laws, and, in his mind, there is no check on his power. Within this system, the press is the “enemy of the people,” which, for me, is just way too close to the German phrase Lügenpresse (“lying press”), which was used to discredit opposing points of view in Europe during the mid-20th century. I mean, aren’t you even slightly uncomfortable with just how close these ideas are? Personally, I would feel very uncomfortable with my candidate using fascist language and being supported by the likes of David Duke, the KKK, and the domestic terrorist group QAnon. But, that’s just me.

Trumpism is not conservativism because it’s wasteful. While you may critique the Dems for taxing and spending, at least they’re spending our money on us (i.e. education, social programs, health care). Trump is using our tax dollars for himself and for his campaign. In fact, when he brags about not taking a salary, he’s lying to us because taxpayers have actually spent more money on his golf trips than we would have on his actual yearly salary. He and his family are scamming us and profiting off of us. It’s disgusting.

Trumpism is not conservatism because at its heart is pure darkness. Trumpism is not about love of country, love of people, love of public service, love of personal responsibility, love of justice, love of individualism/independence, or even love of law and order. Trumpism is defined by love of power and cruelty as shown from his first act — Muslim ban — to potentially his last act — losing the parents of over 500 migrant children (or discrediting our entire electoral system — whichever one you see as the last act). In between all of that, we’ve endured his complete disregard for human beings: family separation, giving us terrible medical advice, denouncing science, ignorantly throwing paper towels at hurricane victims in PR, shrugging and saying “it is what it is” about America’s Covid-19 death toll, and constantly talking about his ratings while American families are dying, out of work, and struggling to keep afloat. He has no capacity for human emotion and is one of the meanest people I have ever seen in public life. He will never be able to heal or unite this country because he has no empathy, no insight, and no goals beyond his own accumulation of power and wealth. His “leadership” is really just detached delusion: The world is what I say it is and what I want it to be; those who disagree are losers, RINOs, and socialists.

Is everything Trump’s fault? No. But, did Trump scratch open a wound that we as a nation have been trying — in fits and starts — to heal for a very long time now? Yes. And, what really makes me sad, Fam, is that you were more than happy to dive into the festering puss (twice!).

So, when you call me closed-minded or aggressive, please remember that I wasn’t always this way. What’s happened is that I’ve just been hit with a lot of new information that I didn’t know before, and I’m having a visceral response. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m just trying to express what I’m feeling, and I don’t always do it well. I’m particularly not great at expressing sadness, which is why it often comes out as aggression. So, I’m going to say it right now to all who are reading: I am hurt.

I am hurt because you — the people I really looked up to for almost 40 years of my life, especially the strong, smart women in this family — have turned against me, against the people I care about, and against decency, compassion, and professionalism overall. I’m hurt by your clear disdain — or, at the very least, ambivalence — for our valued American institutions, customs, and processes; our world-renown and respected free press; our bodily health and freedom; and our civil rights and human rights, especially those of your own children, grandchildren, cousins, nieces, and nephews. I’m sad that you voted to desecrate the American Presidency not once but twice.

I’m hurt because you have actively spoken out and voted against one of the quintessential American principles: equal justice under the law. I’m hurt by your lie of “all lives matter” when clearly you don’t mean it. If you did, you would be outraged by the murders of Breonna Taylor, Ahmad Arbury, Philando Castille, Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, Sandra Bland, George Floyd and 12-year old (at the time of his murder) Tamir Rice. Instead, you do mental gymnastics to find a way to blame the victim and relieve cops of all responsibility. If you believed that all lives matter, you would understand why athletes kneel. You would understand that when this country has said “ALL” in the past, it didn’t apply to black people, which is why we’re being very specific right now. We say BLACK LIVES MATTER out loud — and fucking mean it — because it needs to be said.

I’m hurt that you don’t think more highly of America and Americans. If you did, you wouldn’t have put a reality TV con man at our helm. I’m hurt that, because of Trump, being rude, inaccurate, and bigoted is now considered “telling it like it is” and, for some reason, that is a “virtue” my family now appreciates even though they would probably never stand his same behavior coming from their own children. I’m also hurt that I’m being called a bully by the same people who support the biggest bully in America.

Have I overstepped? Have I commented when I should have just scrolled on by? Have I been sarcastic and condescending with my tone and language? Yes, I have. I apologize. Giving into the immature indulgence of antagonizing people on social media is absolutely unhealthy and unacceptable. It’s definitely not something a good person — or good leader — should do. I accept responsibility for my actions and apologize, and I am committed to self-improvement always.

So where are we now? The current state of our relationship is best captured in a line from one of the greatest movies of all time, Dirty Dancing. It’s when Baby, having just realized and confronted her own father’s classism and bigotry, says: “I’m sorry I let you down…but you let me down too.” That’s where we are, Fam. I fear too much has been said that can’t be taken back, and too much hurt lingers for real peace. I can’t forgive your support of a man who has caused this family, this country, and this world so much hurt, anxiety, and pain; and you can’t forgive me for hassling you about your support for that man.

As many of you noted in various social media posts this week, we’re not going to change each other’s minds, and — no matter what actual facts tell us — we’re still going to believe whatever we want to believe. So, what do we do now? The answer for me, at least, is pretty simple, and it’s the path that progressives have taken in the face of hate and obstruction since forever: Whether we speak again is irrelevant because, no matter what, I’m going to keep fighting for this country and ALL of the people in it — which includes you — by continuing to work for policies that benefit every person, not just the wealthiest, the whitest, the Trump-iest, or the most religious.

Even though you don’t believe it, the policies that I support benefit everyone because a rising tide lifts all boats. The policies I support protect ALL women — not just those who practice the faith I do or vote the way I do — by giving them options and personalized healthcare that is nobody’s fucking business but their own. The policies I support improve lives by providing healthcare to all regardless of employment or income, as well as free, quality education regardless of zip code. The policies I support include affordable childcare for caretakers so that they can work or attend school without worrying about schedules or money. The policies I support protect people’s rights to exist exactly as they are, get married as they are, adopt children as they are, have sex as they are, be employed as they are, and live their lives out loud as they are. The policies I support aim to help the planet so that our future generations can grow up in a healthy environment. The policies I support want to bring back family farms and small, local businesses that shaped our nation’s communities in the first place. Even my “very leftist” (quoting a family member) views on criminal justice and policing can benefit citizens and officers alike, especially in terms of re-allocation of resources and duties, increased community involvement in maintaining order and in policing decision-making, and greater accountability for police, city government, and community organizations in keeping communities safe.

You’re probably rolling your eyes by now, and I totally understand. So let me wrap up by saying this: I’ll always fight for America. You’re all a part of America. Therefore, regardless of the names you call me, the conspiracies you believe in, and your disregard for others who are different from you, I will always fight for you. You’re welcome.

With love always,

Monica